Blood, Gore, TMI and Laundry


Sitting in a London launderette in the hottest September since 1920-something, learning all there is to know (or at least all I can glean via gratuitous Googling) about implantation bleeding …

Pretty glamorous, I know. The fact is, our washing machine started making an alarming scraping noise and dancing across the room during the spin cycle over a month ago. We haven’t repaired it because we want to replace it, along with the entire kitchen (which is dreadful, mouldy and seemingly installed by someone who graduated straight from making a Blue Peter cardboard Tracy Island to kitchen design … ). We haven’t yet replaced the entire kitchen because we’ve been busy getting married. Twice. Also, getting an appointment with an Ikea kitchen planner is a near-impossible endeavour.

Oh, and we’re trying to make a baby.

I’m a proud aunt and godmother. I’ve never been desperate to have a child of my own. Rather, I’ve always thought of it more as a fascinating endurance test I’d be interested in signing up to if it is with someone I could rely on to absolutely share all the good, bad and monotonous things with me. Now, I’m there. We’re there, and we both are trying to conjure a tiny person.

We’be been actively trying for all of 3 weeks; well, not constantly. We’ve had things like work, cooking and dog coiffuring to do too! Yesterday though (a week before expected), something resembling my period started. Today though, it stopped. That’s different to the usual order of things. It also looked different (yes, the Carrie-esque gore; if you’re of a nervous disposition, look away now!) It also felt different. At least, I think it did …

There is also the added complication that my last period was a week late. It arrived the morning of our wedding; imagine how pleased I was! I put the delay down to wedding planning stress. Could this latest dose of gore therefore just be my normal period, back on schedule after last month’s glitch, or the mysterious bleeding from the beginnings of a little human burrowing into my innards, right on time, a week before the next period? I have no fucking idea. I therefore turned my friend the lazyweb for a clue.

My launderette research session yielded the following information:-

– Only 1 in 3 women experience implantation bleeding.

– It’s usually lighter and shorter in duration than a period (tick!)

– But it can look and feel exactly the same (hmmm)

– It’s usually a week before the usual period (tick, I think …)

– But some people seem to have had it at exactly the same time (oh …)

– You have to wait until your scheduled period is actually late for the relevant hormones (if present) to have a reasonable chance of giving a positive pregnancy test result.

– There are a lot of acronyms flying around the forums discussing these things that make what’s being said very hard to decipher.

– There is a lot of bad spelling in the world.

– There is a lot of wild speculation in the world, which, despite my best intentions, I was getting sucked into. And so soon!

None the wiser really, I abandoned my search, sat back and listened to my body (trying very hard not to over-analyse every last thing). I now know that Mr Sloane is a pretty promising piece of televisual distraction. Also, beer and pizza make me pretty bloated and are an effective sedative for my adorable husband.



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